First song from my journal

 

****Note, I do not think I am manic anymore. This was a few months ago. Whether I am crazy or not is for you to determine. This is simply a good chunk of my experience in the hospital.**** 


****There is no purgatory, that line was clever lyrics, but this life is the only chance you have to accept Christ.****



3-22-21

Yes Lord It’s True I may be manic still

My mind wants to go go go may be manic still

I’ll take my meds

Even though

Don’t want to

Don’t think I need to

But yes I need to

Yes that I must do

People do not want me to go

They want me to stay

Sane

Not go away

Unless the Rapture Happens

Then that’s okay

Jesus where are you

Come quickly you know

Antonio

I love you so

Why did you go

Where did you go

Yes I want to know

Gave you my number

To call

And have yours but

Yours doesn’t work

So call me please

Yes when you can

Don’t want to worry

About you Antonio

I love you so

You’ve got the prophecies

For safe keeping I know

Protecting me so

Candace Owen must know

She’ll help me find You

And other friends too

Between us two

We’ll know

We’ll figure out

If you’re stuck in the hospital Oh no

Or in NYC

Or Tokyo

Or San Francisco

Where’d you go

You said you’d go

Back to NYC

That’s home to You

It’s where You’re from

I think

I think too much

Apparently

My brain likes to think

But it needs to rest

I need to sleep

Wonder if this is a test

I tried, I did

Words came to my head

Needlessly

Effortlessly

Can’t even write fast enough

For them now

Somehow

Oh dear it’s clear I think

I may be manic still

I need to chill

I’ll take my meds

Even though I fear

I’ll gain much too much weight

Not great

I can work it off but

It’s hard

Life can be hard though

And often anything worth doing is Hard

Oh yes yes Hard things I must do

Must prepare for FEMA camp

Just in case

You never know

CANNOT TAKE SHOTS

NO MOB NO

EVIL COVID VACCINE NO

CAN’T TAKE NO NO NO NO

MUST GET HYDROXYCHLORQUINE

AND ZINC

TO STAY FAR AWAY FROM

HOSPITAL

DON’T WANT TO GO

YES I FEAR SO

IT’S NO GOOD NO

I’LL TAKE THE MEDS

EVEN THOUGH

DON’T WANT TO NO

I’LL STAY ON EARTH NOW

SOMEHOW

People want me to stay

Calm

Remain

Sane

Not crazy in my brain

Impossible

No

I can fight

I must fight

Must take meds

Oh no

DON’T WANT TO

NO

BUT NEED TO SO

CAN’T GO HOME YET

BRAIN IS SPECIAL

NOT MANY PROPHETS

LIKE ME

BUT I PRAY THERE

ARE MANY

FOR YOUR GLORY

WANT REVIVAL SO

AROUND THE GLOBE

WANT TO HEAR

MANY COOL STORIES

IN GLORY

You know

When there’s ETERNITY

TO ENJOY

WANT TO SEE FRIENDS

TOO

MUST WARN ABOUT SHOTS

PROJECT ROOFTOP BLESS

MY MIND IT’S A MESS

I’M TRYING I AM

I TAKE MY MEDS

I PROMISE

MY MOM MAKES

ME TAKE

YES SHE KNOWS

I’M NOT READY TO TAKE

RESPONSIBLY ON MY OWN

It’s still a fight you see

Obviously

In me

Internally

Oh Megan I know your body

Can’t take more

Why don’t you call

ARE YOU BUSY

ARE YOU SAD

ARE YOU MAD

THAT’S TOO BAD

WE NEED

TO WRITE A SONE

TO RIGHT A WRONG

It happened long long ago

You know

It’s okay Now

I forgive you Honesl I do

NO ONE KNEW

NO ONE KNEW

GOD STILL USED

THIS TIME

FOR SANCTIFICATION

HE’S WORKING ALL THINGS OUT

FOR MY GOOD

YES HE WOULD

AND HE SHOULD

SINCE HE’S GOOD

HE’S NOT SAFE

BUT HE’S GOOD

WHO KNOWS WHERE

HE’LL LEAD

NOT FEMA HOPEFULLY

DON’T WANT TO GO THERE

SHOULDN’T SWEAR

NO NO

BUT RATHER TAKE

MY MEDS

AS I SHOULD

I’LL BE GOOD

IT’S TOO LATE

FOR TRAZODONE NOW

Got to calm down

Alarm goes off at 8:00 AM

It’s only 4:16

I ALREADY PUT MY ARMOR ON

MAYBE IT’S TIME TO

WRITE A SON

YES YES I’L WRITE

A SONG

Need to

With you

Megan

But this one maybe

A solo

You know

I think we’ll sing in

Heaven on day wonder

How big a stage that is    

ALL THOSE PEOPLE

AND FAMOUS ONES AT THAT

CHARLES SPURGEON

MARTIN LUTHER

MLKJ

CALVIN

HE DIDN’T LIKE TO SIN

WHO ELSE

FLANNERY O’CONNOR

MOTHER THERESA I HOPE

SHE’S CATHOLIC THOUGH

Guess we’ll see

Eventually

If there’s really

Purgatory

Don’t want to work

My salvation off

IT’S A GIFT YOU KNOW

FOR GOD SO LOVED THE WORLD

THAT HE GAVE

HIS ONLY SON

THAT WHOSOEVER

BELIEVES IN HIM

SHALL NOT PERISH

BUT HAVE EVERLASTING LIFE

THAT’S RIGHT

JOHN 3:16

Maybe I’m a queen

And I’ll have 2 kings

Eventually

Cause I’m Mary

That’s what Jesus said

Antonio

In the hospital

He did funny things

WITH A DECK OF CARDS

I DIDN’T KNOW HOW TO

JUST LISTENED I DID

TO WHAT HE SAID

WONDERED IF I’D LOST

MY MIND

YOU KNOW

BUT I TRUSTED

AND BELIEVED YOU

KNOW

SHOWED ME HIS SCARS

SAID SO 3 TIMES

At first thought

I was confused

Antonio

Could It be So

So

But then He said it

Again

AND I WAS LIKE WOW

OKAY I GET THE POINT

AND I’M CRAZY NOW

HE’S MANIC LIKE ME

HOPE HE’S GETTING HIS SHOTS

HE REFUSED ORAL MEDS

DIDN’T WANT TO GET BRAINWASHED

AGAIN

THAT HAPPENED BEFORE

I WONDER

WOULD IT HAPPEN AGAIN

ANTONIO

I LOVE YOU SO

YOU’VE GOT TO KNOW

ANTONIO

WHAT DID YOUR TATOO SAY

AGAIN

ACROSS YOUR ARM I KNOW

THE RIGHT ONE I THINK

IF I SAW IT I’D KNOW

ANTONIO

YOU LOVE ME SO

STOLE A KISS YOU DID

POPPPED MY CHERRY YOU SAID

WOW

NO

You stuck a finger in

My hand is all

They don’t let you

CONSUMATE

IN THE PSYCH WARD

IF YOU’D LIKE TO

SOME TRIED

INAPPROPRIATE

PEOPLE NOT RIGHT

IN THE HEAD

IN THE PSYCH WARD

OF THE HOSPITAL

DON’T WANT TO BE DEAD

YOU KNOW

THE GUARDS

WONDER WHAT STRESS

IS LIKE

THEY’LL TELL OU IN

A HOT MINUTE

YOU NEVER KNOW

WHAT TO EXPECT

WHO’S CALM

WHO’S CRAZY

WHO’LL ACT OUT

I ALMOST DID

WHEN I FLASHED HIM

ANTONIO ONLY SAW

BUT I ALMOST RAN DOWN

THE HALL

I WAS CRAZY

BUT PREOCCUPIED

IN THE WORD

THANKFULLY

IT DISTRACTED ME

MOMENTARILY

SO I DIDN’T GET SHOT

THAT NIGHT

MY WEDDING NIGHT

BUT I GOT ONE SOON

AFTER OR BEFORE

I don’t remember

I WENT CRAZY

ATTACKED THE TVS

WANTED TO BREAK

WANTED TO SHAKE

THE WORLD UP FROM

THIS TRANCE

IVE GOT TO TAKE A STANCE

AND A CHANCE

OR I’LL REGRET

I LIKE TO TAKE RISKS YOU KNOW

TELL ME WHICH RISK TO TAKE

I NEED TO KNOW

I THINK I KNOW

I’LL WRITE IT IN A NOTE

AND HAVE IT NOTORIZED

NO MORE LIES

No more brainwashing

No no

Must think clear

Yes so

I can help

My friends I love

And care about

DON’T WANT ANYONE

TO GO TO HELL

YOU KNOW I SHED

A TEAR FOR ANTONIO

WHEN I TOLD HIM SO

IN THE REC ROOM

LOVE REC THEARPY

EVERY DAY

I GOT TO PLAY

AND EXERCISE

YES I WORKED OUT

ELIPTICAL

BIKE

TWISTER

Valentine’s Day

We played

DARTS

FOR A BOX

OF CHOCOLATE

WHEN I FOUND OUT

I PLAYED AGAIN

I PLAYED TO WNI

NOT NORMALLY GOOD

AT DARTS

BUT I THREW

AND HEAVEN KNEW

I NEEDED CHOCOLAT

EVEN THOUGH

IT PUTS YOU TO SLEEP

ANTONIO

I’m sorry

You know

Can’t help myself you know

Try not to go crazy

Can’t gain more weight

Got to loose

SO HARD TO CHOOSE

WHEN CHOCOLATE IS A CHOICE

I FOUND MY VOICE

SANG AT THE HOSPITAL

FOR ONE AND ALL

SOMETIMES QUIETLY

SOMETIMES LOUD

I HOPE I MADE

MY ABBA PROUD

HE LOVES ME

EVEN THOUH I’M CRAZY

I’M HIS NUT

THE NUTTIEST NUT YOU’LL

EVER KNOW

Except for maybe Antonio

He could dance

Wish I’d seen more

We danced for all

To see on our wedding

Night

Did you see

Miraculously

On the TV

I SAW THE SUPERBOWL

HALFTIME SHOW YOU KNOW

I KNOW

IT WAS ABOUT ME

I WAS ON TV

NOT AT THE SUPERBOWL NO

BUT IN THE HOSPITAL

YES YOU’RE CURIOUS

AND YOU SHOULD BE

YOU’LL NEVER KNOW

ALL THAT’S IN ME

EXCEPT MAYBE

ALEXANDRA CAN KNOW

SHE READS MY MIND

YOU KNOW

CLEARLY

EVEN WHEN I DON’T

WANT HER TO

SHE CAN YOU KNOW

NOT SURE IF SHE

CAN CONTROL

MAYBE WHEN SHE’S

FAR AWAY SHE CAN

(SOME LYRICS ARE OMITTED AT THIS POINT, I MAY FILL THEM IN LATER.)

AM I CRAZY

AM I SANE

AM I INSANE IN THE MEMBRACE

I DON’T KNOW

I MAY BE MANIC TOO

I DON’T THINK SO

BUT MAYBE SO

MAYBE YOU KNOW

I DIDN’T SLEEP

ENOUGH LAST NIGHT

DON’T MEAN TO GIVE

PEOPLE A FRIGHT

CAN’T BELIEVE THAT

I CAN’T SPELL

THAT WELL

YOU’D THINK

I THINK I THINK

TOO MUCH

MAYBE

I DON’T KNOW

DO YOU

MAYBE

MAYBE

MAYBE

I’M JUST CRAZY

OH NO

CAN IT BE SO

I DON’T KNOW

BUT I’LL APPLY

YOU KNOW

FOR DISABILITY

I NEED THE MONEY

PLEASE

HATE TO TAKE HANDOUTS

BUT I MADE MANIC

MISTAKES YOU KNOW

HIRED A DATING COACH

JONAH LAVITT

I LIKE HIM I DO

BUT HE SHOULD

NOT HAVE PERSUADED

ME TO LIE

NO NO THAT’S NOT GOOD

HE DIDN’T KNOW I WAS

MANIC AND SO HE

TOLD ME WHAT I WANTED

AND NEEDED TO HEAR

I’D LIKE TO BE MARRIED

THAT’S CLEAR

WON’T LET THE EXACT

PRICE SLIP OUT NOW

BUT IT MIGHT

EVENTURALLY COME

OUT EMBARASSING

WHAT WAS I THINKIN

THOSE FACEBOOK ADS

WERE VERY GOOD

THEY WORKED JUST

AS THEY SHOULD

THOSE FACEBOOK ADS

WERE VERY GOOD

THEY WORKED JUST

AS THEY SHOULD

YOU KNOW I’M MANIC

AND CRAZY TOO!

O DEAR IT’S CLEAR!

Gotta get my meds right

So my mom will let me drive

Gotta be able to go

You know?

TO MY FRIENDS

I’D LIKE TO SEE

AGAIN

I LOVE THEM I DO

AND THEY LOVE

ME TOO

CORA AND MIKE

I’VE GOT TO INVITE

FOR DINNER

ONE NIGHT

 WON’T BE TONIGHT

BUT I’LL ASK

WHEN WORKS

WITH MY MOM

FIRST

GET A FEW DATES

THEN WE’LL SEE

WHEN DINNER

WILL BE

WHAT I’LL MAKE

I DO NOT KNOW

YET

BUT IT WILL BE

GOOD YOU CAN BET!

Yes it will be

Yummy in the tummy

Yes I’m insane in the membrane

Oh dear

Yes yes it’s clear

Something happened

Something changed

This time

No going back this time

You know

Don’t be slow

Be quick like me

JUST GO CRAZY

THE TRIBULATION

IT’S NO FUN

UNLESS YOU’RE INSANE

IN THE MEMBRANE

IF YOU WANT TO BE HAPPY

IF YOU WANT TO BE FREE

JUST GET CRAZY

AND BE LIKE ME

WONDER WHAT DEREK

WEBB WILL THINK

OF THESE LYRICS

WHAT A WEB I SPIN

I WOULD LET HIM IN

IF IT WOULD WIN

HIM BACK YOU SEE

WANT HIM TO LEAD

IN HEAVEN ONE DAY

WITH HIS GUITAR

We’ll draw a crowd

Both soft and loud

People want to hear

He’s so very dear

Yes they want him near

Goodness that’s so clear

God loves Derek Webb

I know

You know

I know

It came out in

The hospital

You see I see

I went crazy!

It was so fun

I could show you

Show you how it’s

Done

Wouldn’t you like

            To be

                        Crazy

                                    Like me?

Oh mania is

            A high!

Don’t want to

            Swing too love

            This time

            Depression was

            10 years last time

            No good.

                        I choose Joy!

            THE JOY OF THE LORD

            WILL BE MY STRENGTH

            HE WILL UPHOLD ME

            ALL OF MY DAYS

            I am surrounded

                By mercy and

                        Grace

            The joy of the Lord

                Is my strength.

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